Baby Mander's Blog

Along our pathway to parenthood we have found ourselves facing a wide range of decisions that we kind of knew were coming, but didn’t expect to have such a hard time making.

On one hand there are the easy (depending on how you look at it) decisions such as naming your child (while racking your brain with all of the possible ways that other kids will take your favorite name and make it something horrible),  your doctor, who you want to be in the delivery room and so on.

Then, there are the more difficult questions such as whether or not to circumcise, what to do in the case of emergency, do you really want your mother-in-law in the room, or is it possible that your child will end up becoming the next Liberace soley because you bought him a piece of clothing that is not blue.

Do not want

One “question” that came up which was very easy for us to make was whether or not to use medication (in the form of an Epidural) during labor.

And frankly…I don’t quite get why this is even a question.

But, for whatever reason, there is a movement afoot within the world of expecting Moms where the “way to go” is to go drug free.  Endure the pain, live it, feel it and whatever hippie bullsh#@t…freakin hippies.

Blahhh...shut up!

And here is the thing…I understand that it might be someone’s personal preference to experience labor/delivery without the use of medication but the problem that this “movement” has created is making mother’s who DO want medical assistance to deal with the pain feel like assholes for even thinking about it.

And that is where I have a problem.

Mankind has come a long way in the world of medicine and I for one think that this is something we should be really grateful for.  I am sure that there were probably many instances where the pain of labor put a mother or babies life in danger and to address that, science came up with an answer…in the form of a long ass needle.

Epidurals are so bad they destroy your partner's face!

But it has gotten to the point where random people feel that it is within their right to ask and then judge your for it.

Here is how a conversation might unfold.

Nosey person: You are expecting?

Mother to be (annoyed): Yes

Nosey person: When?

Mother to be (hungry): I am X months pregnant.

Nosey person: Ahhh….do you know if it’s a boy or girl?

Mother to be (sleepy): Boy/Girl/Don’t Know

Nosey person: Are you planning to give birth naturally?

Mother to be (scratching): No, I plan to use an epidural.

Nosey person (very condescendingly): Ohhhhh! (followed by sucking in air through pursed lips).

Mother to be (eating): Do you have kids?

Nosey person: No

See what I mean? Even people who don’t have kids swear up and down that, if they WERE having a kid, they would do it naturally.  Right, I would wager that 9/10 women who say that are begging to be stuck with that needle 2 hours in and then end up feeling like a “failure” for doing it.

It’s for that reason that I say screw all that hippie earth crunchy goodness BS and just do whatever feels right for you.  If some friend or family member is going to judge you for wanting the pain meds then screw them and don’t invite them to your shower (but gladly accept their gift) then, when it’s their time to face this question, politely remind them what an asshole they were to you.

At least I am not as geeky as this fellow…

I have to admit, it’s a pretty amazing feeling the first time, as a soon to be dad, that you lay your hand on your wife’s belly and feel your baby kick.

The first time you really feel it (you can tell that time it’s not just gas) is the moment that it really hits you…you are going to be a father.  Pretty cool I must say.

That was weeks ago.  At that point my wife was feeling them all the time but it was few and far between for me.

Now it’s pretty insane.  I can actually see her belly move violently when he kicks.  A lot of the time I can tell it is happening because I hear my wife say “Whoah!” and grab her belly.

Stock Photo CHOP!

This is one of the many reasons why I am glad that I am not the one carrying this baby.  I couldn’t imagine how weird that must feel knowing there is a little person in there kicking away at you.

My wife finds it very comforting.  I think it would freak me out feeling this thing squirming around tickling my insides.

All in all I am very encouraged by the number and strength of his kicks.

Hopefully we have a future Liverpool striker on our hands.

Watch your back punk

One of the interesting aspects of being a resident of NYC is car ownership…or the lack thereof.   Living in NYC you truly do not need to own a car.  In fact, it is kind of nice not owning one (and having to deal with all the BS that comes along with that).  Then again, this all depends on where you live in the city.

Folks that live in Manhattan will tell you that owning a car is out of the question (rightfully so) but when you live in the outer burroughs (like where we live) then the idea of owning a car becomes a bit more tempting.

Up to this point, my wife and I have been fine getting by using services like Zipcar or rental cars when the need for a car has arisen.  But with our pending new arrival that is all changing.

Several times now we have asked ourselves…how exactly do we plan to get to the hospital when the time comes?

A little background music…

We live in Astoria in Queens.  The hospital where we are going to be delivering at is New York Presbyterian on the UES.

The place that is gonna take all my money

Sounds simple right?  I mean…it’s not like it’s all that far.  Just look at the map.

Seems easy enough

But given the panic of the moment, the actual route will probably look more like…

Ahhhhhh

So this leads us back to our question.  When that moment comes, what will be our transportation method of choice?

The options are…

1) The Metropolitan Transportation Authority – AKA the Subway

AKA...the Subway

Why the subway might work: Well, for starters as any New Yorker will tell you, the best way to get around our fair city is by subway.  It is reliable (for the most part), it is quick (usually), and it’s safe (except for the fact that it has a massive target on it’s back).

Does not like the subway

Why the subway won’t work: There are several reasons why the subway is not the best choice for us.  First of all, there is the whole time of day issue.  It would be nice to think that we can predict the exact moment that I will hear the words “it’s time” but chances are that is going to happen at the most inopportune time…say at 2AM, when the buses and subways go to sleep , or in the middle of AM rush hour.

Second, there is the stairs factor.  The subway was built a long time ago.  Long before Americans became fat and lazy.  There are so many stairs involved in your average subway trip that lazy bastards like myself use it as an excuse not to have to go to the gym.  This will be a real issue for my wife who will be in early labor.  The stairs at that point might as well be Mt. Everest.

Third, we don’t want to be “that couple.”  You know the stories you hear on the news about the people who give birth in the back of a taxi or on the subway?  Whenever I read those I think “what the hell were those people thinking?”

The reality of child birth is not like what you see on the movies.  It doesn’t come on suddenly and the only reason that people end up giving birth in these odd places is because they waited too damn long to go to the hospital.

Still, I don’t want to risk ending up being on the news as the people who ended up squeezing one out on the subway.

¿Esa señora acaba de dar a luz?

2) TAXIIIII!!!!!

New Yorkers second favorite option for getting around town (number one option after midnight).

Why a taxi might work…

Simply stated, grabbing a taxi to get from point A to B in New York is usually very easy.  Just stand on a curb, raise your hand to the air and there you go.

Why a taxi won’t work…

Again, there are several reasons why a taxi isn’t the best choice.

1) Time of day – If we go into labor around rush hour it can take almost an hour to get across the Queensboro Bridge into Manhattan (especially early morning weekday traffic).

2) Grabbing one in our neighborhood – doesn’t always happen very quickly.  I can already imagine myself in a state of panic trying to flag one of these guys down.

3) Most importantly – Do I really want this guy driving us to the hospital?

3) Livery Cabs

In New York you cannot call a taxi.  Instead, when you call for a car you get what is called a Livery Cab.  Livery Cabs are the black towncars that typically shuttle people back and forth between the city and the airports however you can arrange for them to take you to other locations in the city.

Technically speaking, they are not supposed to stop when someone is trying to flag down a taxi but they do it all the time anyway, especially in our neighborhood which is apparently where all the Livery Cab drivers live or stalk their next victims.

Why a livery cab might work…

Generally speaking they are very reliable when you need to get to the airport.  However, I don’t know what their response time is like at 2AM when I call dial 7 and yell at the lady to get a car over to my place NOW!

Why a livery cab won’t work…

For mostly the same issues as the taxi.  Plus, it might be surprising to some but most of the scariest car rides I have had in New York came at the expensive of a Livery driver.  You would think that would be the case for taxis but it is not.  A lot of this has to do with the fact that any clown with a towncar can (and do) pretend to be licensed drivers.

It is my personal belief that there are two separate breeds of Livery drivers.  The good ones are reserved for rides to and from the airports.  All of the idiots who can barely manage the concept of  a steering wheel are left to roam the streets looking for a quiet place to dump the bodies.

You just never know what you are going to get with these guys.  In fact, we had to take one recently and despite the fact that it is illegal to, the guy smoked in the car.

And then there is this…

What about getting home?

Our hospital requires that all newborns leave the hospital in an approved car seat.

Approved Car seat

Obviously we are not going to take a newborn child onto the subway.  He will have plenty of chances in his lifetime to ride the subways of New York.  The last thing a couple day old child needs is to be exposed to the variety of sounds, smells, and germs of the subway.

hola bebé

Taking a taxi is out of the question.  I mean no offense but I won’t want to trust anyone behind the wheel of a car other then myself.

Come, come...I drive you

In Conclusion

What is a New York parent to do?  I suppose I could try and rely on a friend with a car (I can only think of one and he drives a Mustang) or a rental car which, given the randomness of when this will happen, how long it will take, and so on becomes more of a hassle then it’s worth.

Or I could just suck it up and buy us a car.

I am sure I could find something in our price range.

UPDATE***

Despite the fact that multiple people have told me it was a really bad idea…we bought a car.

Say hello to my little friend…

hello friend